well, its about midnight as i am writing this. i didn't expect my first blog of 2025 to be so downer. but to put it mildly, this start of the year has been genuine hell on me. there's just no good way of putting it, it has genuinely sucked ass. the stress of being pretty much entirely seperated from my family has reached a boiling point. my finances have become more dire. my passions have been tested. it's just been a lot.
the biggest thing that hurt me a lot was just a few days ago. i lost my car keys. i looked EVERYWHERE in this apartment. i looked everywhere outside the apartment. i looked everywhere i possibly could and there is 0 sign of its existence anymore. i was freaking the fuck out, how could i let something this stupid happen to me? well, i knew i had a spare key but it was over at my parents' place. so i texted my mom to look for it and i'd swing by to go and get it. she couldn't find it. i wouldn't even be shocked if she never looked for it at all. but learning this sent me into a frenzy. thank god i had sky at the apartment to help me stay calm. it was still early afternoon so there was time, but i had work the next day and needed to figure out something. we tried to look for locksmithing tools in town but to no avail. and that's when i had to bite the silver-plated bullet and call an actual locksmith. thankfully they were able to make me two keys that worked, but it set me back an astounding 477 dollars.
sidenote: the dude who came over to unlock my car and make the keys, the one who charged me literally 477 dollars for the service, had an option on his touchscreen for a TIP. and better yet, there was a 25 PERCENT OPTION. who the fuck tips the dude who just robbed you blind??? actually wild but whatever.
but, i have car keys now which is all fine and dandy. well, until i nearly got my car stuck in the mud and snow. its snowed a good bit here the past week and its made finding the edge of the pavement and grass hard to find. well i overstepped it last i had parked it before this morning, and when i went to back out my front tires just spun. and spun, and spun. i spent 20 minutes shoveling snow out from behind the tires, pulling slightly forward, slamming the throttle in reverse, until it FINALLY gave way and i was able to back out. i nearly was late for work cause of this shit.
and while all of these issues have been fixed, its only just added on to my terrible mood and mental state. i get to have my partner on the lease finally but she still works in VA for work on the weekends anyways, so not much has changed as far as time spent with them. just nothing has felt right to me this year so far. i've made progress with music but i keep stalling myself. i've been eating like trash and my body has made it known. i've cried more this year than i nearly did all of last year. i just feel broken and uneasy. my bank account gets lower, along with my state of mind. sure there's been some fun moments but none of them have truly made me feel at ease. its hard to really feel like everything is okay. because it really isn't. and knowing that you're not okay, is genuinely terrifying when you feel you don't have much going for you. i know that's not totally the case, but it really does feel it sometimes. you really never know what life is all about, until life starts happening to you.
i'm trying to look forward and see the positives. i have an amazing partner in sky, i have lovely friends, i have a job... at all, i'm not totally broke. i am in a spot to climb out of this hole and make it through okay. and i think eventually i will. but its hard. i'm trying all that i can. and hopefully my next blog entry will be a more positive one. but for now, i'm just extremely uncomfortable and depressed.