well as you may infer from the title, i've been struggling for motivation lately. in reality, i struggle with motivation all the time, and have for most of my life up to this point. maybe it's my ADHD, maybe its just a lack of initiative. whatever it is, i've always known i have been horrible at getting my ass in gear. and continuing that metaphor, i've often found that even when i can get started and rolling, i often end up stalling myself part-way and not realize it til much later when i am at a complete stop. it's an extremely frustrating thing to deal with, and probably one of the biggest contributors to my depression and anxiety.
take for example, my car. since moving to maryland, i have to get my car registered in the state of maryland, get my license for maryland, and get my car inspected for maryland safety and emmissions regulations. pretty typical car owner stuff, and usually something you can get solved in a week or less. but for me, i've been here since the first of september and i've done zero of it! it was already a very stressful concept for me even before moving, but now that i'm moved in, i find that each passing day i DON'T get it done, i'm feel even more stressed because of the deadline of 2 months creeping in on me! deadlines are my worst enemy and have been since high school. the pressure to get something done in a fixed amount of time seems to only drive me to never complete anything ever. which, if you are looking at this logically, seems like a pretty backwards concept. how can i be so stressed about getting something done, yet completely blow past my deadline on purpose? doesn't that just make the feeling worse?
and the answer to that question is... yes.
this here is the enigma i've found myself trapped in for so long. and i've not really figured out a good solution. getting ADHD medicated would be nice, right? but in order to do that, i have to:
all fairly simple tasks to complete, if you aren't someone who isn't wired for executive function. and even if i was, i'd have to first remember to even do all of that.
surely these are all excuses, but they've been my achilles heel for as long as i can remember. i need to reign myself in because i cannot keep doing this to myself since i'm fully an adult and have so much responsibility on my hands. it's so depressing that i can see other adults get this shit done without thinking while i'm having breakdowns over shit that hasn't even happened yet. it really doesn't make me feel like i'm capable of anything important if i'm unable to get the very basics right. now on a brighter note, my partner has been trying to help me with my struggles as best as she can, and i've been able to slowly chisel myself through these issues in the past before. so i know eventually this will be alright and all behind me. but until "eventually" comes around, this is the hell i put myself through. not very fun, i gotta say. at least typing this all down helps a little bit. i can't do much about it tonight, so i'm just gonna eat my dinner and try to get some music done tonight so i can go to sleep in a good mindset. i got an early shift in the morning, so i gotta make sure i'm not staying up too late. but ya know, no promises on that lol.