well hello everyone, it has been quite a while since i felt like doing anything with this site. funny how after switching everything over to github i lost the desire to update my site consistently lol. but i now have moved my github desktop and notepad++ in my startup folder, so that will hopefully inspire me to use it more often. i really wanna update this more cause i need more outlets for myself.
if you couldn't tell by the title of this blog, i recently moved house to maryland, hagerstown specifically. after 23 years of living, i'm not living in west virginia anymore. its been incredibly bittersweet for me. for one, i get to live with my partner in our own place in a nice neighborhood and live close to our work. but on the other hand, leaving west virginia was very emotional for me and took a big toll on my overall health. i feel like i've lived 5 years in the span of 3 months with all the stress and headaches that come with moving. its better now that we are settled in, but its still a lot to take in. west virginia will always be home to me, so leaving it was pretty depressing. but its proven to be the best decision to make so far, thankfully.
in an hour and some change, it will be the one year anniversary of me being on HRT. its exciting but also a bit depressing on its own. i'm currently looking to get new health insurance because my mom's ran out after getting laid off, and i can only do that when i get everything moved over to maryland as far as ID goes. and i've been slacking hard on doing that, and i only have so much estrogen left before i'm out. i've been having to dip into my emergency supply of pills instead of the patches i was doing, but i held off for about 3-4 weeks. in those weeks of not taking my HRT, i felt like i reversed so much of the progress i made in the months prior, and that has deeply hurt me a lot. the flat feeling of my chest brought back dysmorphia i hadn't felt since my boobs began growing in. so the fact its been a year since starting feels a bit false in my mind cause i felt like i regressed a ton. i know that isn't fully true, and things are starting to get better, but depression doesn't care about logic.
on a much more positive note, i've been doing a lot more as far as music creativity goes!! back in early august i released my second ever track, no. 2, and its the best produced project i've ever made easily. very very proud of what i was able to do on it. after it i've been kinda doing other music things besides making strictly in-DAW music. i've been playing my roland piano more, and i've been getting myself into songwriting more too. i have a couple songs halfway written right now that i'm trying to fully flesh out so i can record demos of them, and move on to properly recording them. my current goal is to just keep writing songs and get used to the process, then take the best songs i wrote and produce a full album all on my own. i have all the tools i need to do so, i just need the material to do it. i'll try and keep you all updated on my progress. i've been meaning to make a music page on here dedicated to my work, but i'm not entirely sure how i wanna structure that yet. i'll figure it out one of these days lol.
on the whole, i've been struggling honestly. some stuff has gone down these past few months that have weighed me down a lot, but i've been doing my best to push on. it's hard to keep moving when it feels like everything is trying to stand in your way. i guess i am a strong woman, but that strength is relative. some days i feel so defeated i can barely move my body (very inconvenient for work days). other days i feel so happy that i can take on the world. my mental health has just been wrecked and i'm hoping when i get my maryland ID, i can start looking into some state-funded therapy programs. i've been needing therapy for years but the second best time to get it is immediately, y'know? i guess a bright spot in it all is that i haven't had thoughts of harming myself or worse, but my pain is still pretty evident. what has helped is going on my weekly treks into DC to go hangout with my friends at As You Are, and i'm very grateful for the people i have there. having a place to belong and be loved always helps me keep going. work has thankfully been manageable, nothing too bad there. just a lot going on in the mind, mainly.
well that's about all. take care of yourselves y'all, drink some water and hug some friends. do what makes ya happy and you'll feel better for it. typing this all out has already begun to help me out. love y'all <3