2024 has easily been my best year of my life, without a doubt. i've been able to see things and do things that i never thought was otherwise possible. if i were to go back in time to today of last year and show my past self what i had the power to become, i wouldn't be able to believe it. i was so convinced for years that the struggles i faced were insurmountable. i had no way of convincing myself that a better life was ahead. sure, i was able to discover who i really was when i self-reflected. but to see those self-reflections become my actual being, it felt utterly impossible. and yet, here i am. the end of 2024, and i am myself.
when 2024 began, i had agreed to move in with my friends at their apartment just a month or so prior. a lot had to go right for this opportunity. well... not "right." it was off of some of the most disappointing things i had felt in a long time regarding past friends, but that's a story for maybe in the future. at any rate, this was my opportunity. my opportunity to finally break free from my parents' reign over me and a chance to finally explore who i truly was. and that path to exploration began at midnight of january 1st, when i changed my social media to "abbey." no longer was i the person of the past, i was now the me of today. and the reception to me coming out was overall very positive online. it took some people time to get used to calling me my new name, but that was to be expected. at this point i was still not out to people in person, primarily because i still lived at home and i wasn't sure if abbey would be the name i stick with. but now my online friends knew the truth, that i was a girl and i was happier for it. this was the first of many weights off my shoulders.
then the move began in february, the move to my new home. it didn't go too great at the beginning, but things were resolved soon enough. again, maybe a story for another time. but the important thing was that i was out and on my own now. i still lived close to my parents and would go there to do laundry, but most days of the week i was free. it took a while for this reality to really set in though. i still had all the same clothes, same belongings, same everything i had from my old house, but this would change in due time. the important thing was just being here, and knowing that for the next 6 months i had a room and apartment to truly call my own. another weight lifted.
on february 16th, my world truly changed for the better. from around november of '23 to this point, i had met a genderqueer friend who i spent quite a bit of time with. they live an hour and a half away, but they were so nice to be around that i was willing to make the drives whenever i could. likewise for them, as they would come up to visit me as much as they could too. their name is sky. and while none of us knew what would be ahead of both of us on the riverbank on our first date, holding each other close in the cold wind, we enjoyed each others' company. i could tell early on that they were pining for me, and i began to do the same for them. but, i was hesitant. last year i had a relationship with a boy who lived in maryland. and while things had gone fine, i felt during it that we just didn't have as much of a strong personal connection that i was looking for in a long-term relationship. and so i broke it off. this casted a lot of doubt in my mind that i could handle a proper relationship. my growing gender dysphoria didn't help matters, but i was still actively repressing it at the time. was i meant for a real relationship? that question was in the back of my mind for months and months... until i met sky. something was just fundamentally different about them that i hadn't felt in others. sure, sex was great and we share a lot of kinks between us. but there was something beyond the physical. a bond that i had not felt in anyone up to that point. and as the months moved on into the new year, my feelings for them grew more and more. by february i knew that they were eager, just waiting for the time they can finally say they loved me and know that i feel the same. i was still nervous about it all, i didn't want to disappoint them. but i told myself that the only way i could be a better girlfriend for someone, is to first be their girlfriend at all. on february 16th, i said i love you to them for the first time and meant it. another weight lifted.
the biggest moment of the year came in late may, early june. by this point i was very much convinced that yes, i am transgender. it sounds silly but i was still in disbelief that i really was transgender. i grew up making fun of trans people, and thinking less of those who were trans. my conservative, christian upbringing gave me a judgemental attitude towards anything i didn't understand. but now i understood. i AM a girl. i AM transgender. and i was terrified. because i knew that my family would not take kindly to this at all. earlier on i had told my sister that i was trans. my sister is lesbian, and has dated women for most of her life. i knew if anyone in the family would give me support, it was her. and support she has. she lives in canada with her wife, and while she hasn't been able to see me in person or vice versa, she has given me unwavering support for my being. but i knew that her support was just the tip of the iceberg with my family. so in late may, i called my mother and told her i was transgender. i explained where i had been in my life to discover this, and why i am telling her when i did. she seemed to take it with a bit of apprehension, but she responded kindly enough. i should've known it wasn't all good when she asked me if i planned to "mutilate my body." but it seemed that i had done a seemingly impossible task, and i felt happy after that call. the only thing left to do after was to tell my dad. this was the part i knew would hurt. my dad has always been someone who makes up their mind 20 years in advance. and i knew exactly how he felt about trans people, and queer people in general. in early june, i called him and told him the same things i told my mom. my mom actually insisted i tell him sooner, cause she couldn't hold it in as a secret any longer. again, warning signs. my dad didn't take it well. all he could muster was choked up words, telling me to tell my grandmother (dad's side, my grandmother on my mom's is sadly gone) because he "didn't want to do it himself." so i kinda rolled my eyes and i called her up. to put it bluntly, it went fucking horrible. something to understand about my family is that christianity is deeply rooted. and my grandmother is as god-fearing as anyone you could meet. and she makes sure to let everyone she knows, know it. she told me that she will never accept me as a woman, and will never respect me as such. to me that was all i needed to hear, and i hung up on her. i haven't spoken to her since. despite the shakiness of it, i still felt relief that i was able to finally get it all out to them. another weight lifted.
shortly after coming out to my dad and grandmother, i made a facebook post to come out to the rest of the family with. i expressed that i was happier as a woman, and that i wouldn't take shit from anyone. i got plenty of good reactions from a few family members and old school friends of the past. it felt relieving that there were people in my family who really did have my back. but the vast majority of my family never said a word on my post, nor interacted with it. i expected this honestly. with all that done, i decided the next move was to come out to the people at my workplace. to note, my coworkers are fucking awesome. they are the biggest reason i still haven't left my current job. i told it to one of my most trusted coworkers, and she relayed the message to everyone else. i got a shower of instant support and love. this was by far the best part of coming out. i got my name tag switched, my name changed in the time clock system, and nearly everyone in my department was quick to adapt to my new name and calling me she/her. it did take a few people some time to get it right, but they all tried and that's what mattered most to me. and to this day, i still am respected how i would like to be. and its even more relieving because living in west virginia as a trans woman is scary shit. the fact they've all been so cool with it is a miracle i don't take for granted. another weight lifted.
i got a text one day not too long after coming out from my dad, while hanging out with my partner. he said that he wants to talk. i knew what this meant already. i told him that there was nothing to talk about at all, because i am who i am and i won't back down from it. it was worse than i thought. he goes on this tirade about how he and my mom are cutting me off from everything financially. and that he would be selling my belongings left at their house if i didn't come over as soon as possible to pick them up. i tried to reason with my mother and she showed support for his shitty decisions. i couldn't believe it. they want me gone. i wasn't just no longer their son, i was no longer their kid. my partner did as much as they could to help me calm down, but i was a wreck the rest of the night. pissed off, bitter, sad, depressed. my mom would later walk all of this back, but in that moment it felt like i had lost everything. no love like christian love. there was still plenty in store in the future regarding my parents, of which i highlighted in my last blog post, but my mom walking things back made me have some hope that she would one day understand and try to be better. i still had my insurance, and my phone, and some semblence of a plan B financially. a weight dropped on me, but another was lifted.
in july, i took the biggest step forward to being my best self. i scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood in regards to HRT. knowing that i still had my health insurance, i knew this was the best time to go after this. the appointment came in october, where i did my tele-health appointment with PP and felt a sense of urgency, yet calmness. the next day after, i got my first filling of estrogen. this was the beginning of my life all over again. this is when i went from feeling like i was pretending, to feeling like i truly was a woman. my first dosage was kinda sloppy, as i accidentally swallowed my pill instead of dissolving it all under my tongue. but the seal was broken, i took my first step in my life. and from then on, each day felt better and better. another weight lifted.
and that leads me to today. december 30th, 2024. a day and some change before the end of the year. the abbey of today is fundamentally different from the abbey of this past new year. she's more confident, more resilient, more daring, and most of all, more of herself. its not enough to say that i feel happier. its not enough to say that i feel satisfied with the direction of my life. to say that i feel like myself for the first time in my life, that's what its really all about. my body is changing, my mind is changing, and i feel there's so much more light at the end of the tunnel for me than there ever was when i was a boy. and to have my lovely partner sky at my side through it all, its been truly a blessing. sky has done things for me that no one else could. they give me the confidence in myself to do things that are scary and nervewracking. and for that, i am forever grateful and cannot wait to see what 2025 has in store for both of us. has this year been perfect? hell no. and it never was going to be. but i've been able top get myself into a place of mind where i am the happiest i've ever been with myself, and that's perfect enough for me. i may not have much of a blood family at this point, but i've found a family in the people i trust and love today. i've learned who truly is in my corner, and knowing that i have so many great people by my side through all of the heartache and turmoil, its truly wonderful. i don't even have all the words for it. hopefully these help you understand it better. i had 7 weights lifted off my shoulders this year, and 7 reasons to keep myself going for the next however many years i got. happy new years to all those reading, and i hope you all have a lovely 2025 as well.