hello blog readers, it's been a bit since i actually did anything with my site. part of that is due to me just doing more stuff lately, but also partially cause i just forget about projects sometimes. it really doesn't take a lot of effort to maintain this site, but everything is hard to maintain when your brain isn't wired to be consistent and remember things all that well. i mean, it could always be worse but i do wish i could just focus better and not have to juggle 50 different things in my head to have as a hobby.
i'll get into the mental aspect in a bit, but first i wanna talk about what all i've been up to since i last made a blog post. since january, my partner sky has now fully moved in to my apartment with me, and its been a couple weeks since. things have been going really well on that front, and its made a measurable impact on my mental health knowing i have someone like them with me so much more often. but as it is, we also have limited time on this lease left, so we're in the process of looking for a new apartment to move into by the beginning of august. progress is slow, but we'll figure it out soon enough.
the other major thing so far is that i'm looking to get transferred from my current store i work at to one in maryland, so that i can start making more money and hopefully more hours. things have gotten more and more tiring at my current place, and i just need a new look and be taken more seriously. the store i'm looking at is really interested in taking me on and helping me out. since me and sky are focusing our apartment hunting towards maryland, it will be a lot more convenient to have work right there when we move vs having to commute a decent distance like we have to now. i should also mention sky is working at the same store currently, and loves it there. the job hunt elsewhere has gone nowhere real fast. no one calls me back, not even after i call multiple times asking about how my application process is going. places that aren't just grunt work don't disclose their pay info, aren't clear on anti-discrimination practices, and generally are just very shifty with details. isn't living in america fun?
that leads me into the current mental climate, its still not great. before this new trump administration, i was kinda used to having bad news shown to me very often. but now seeing where america is heading as a transgender woman, its even more terrifying than before. bad news doesn't even quite describe it honestly, its more-so impending doom. and for a lot of marginalized communities like illegal immigrants its already super fucking bad. the freedoms of minorities in this country are in more jeopardy now than they ever were before. and all of this has really fucked with me bad. its hard to find a lot of optimism in the world right now, as fascism keeps building and rising in america and the world over. i don't know what's about to happen or what even can happen at this point. it seems the more days go by, the worse it gets for all of us. i don't plan to stop fighting, but some days its really hard to get myself going when it feels like its all crashing down.
as far as my personal life goes though, its been up and down. i'm doing what i can to keep myself going and feeling good, but its still a struggle. the best thing going for me right now is my transition, really. i recently started progesterone and switched to estrogen patches, and its been good so far. the patches are a bit annoying but i think i've just been doing it wrong so far lol. but my body continues to change in positive ways and its really nice to see myself really mature into a woman. i've experienced less misgendering in public, i feel more confident in myself when i go out, and i've been able to smile more than i used to. transitioning somedays is the only thing keeping me going besides my lovely girlfriend.
i just wish i had all the positive things to say. i'm still eating like shit, my financial situation is worse than it ever has been, and some days laying in bed and jerking off is a preferable alternative to actually living. but despite it all, i still have a lot to love in life. i say it a lot but i really do mean it when i say i don't know where i would be without sky and their support. they do so much to make me feel like life isn't all so bad. love you babe ❤. every day is a new day i guess, but i wish i could just start my days off right. its not easy to live, but i'd rather it be this than die in vain. but as it is, fuck the america i'm in, i want the america i was promised as a kid. not this bullshit.
i recently made a ko-fi page in anticipation of making more online content, such as youtube and uploading music. if you want to donate, you can send a couple bucks my way here. not necessary of course, and i don't exactly expect strangers on the internet to just throw money at me for no good reason. its just there in case anyone wants to share some support if possible. i've been toying with the idea of trying to make youtube videos again and get into video editing, but i've been procrastinating on that too. everything i want to do feels like a chore, and its not healthy to think that way. but i think i need to just force myself to do it. i want to entertain people and give people something to look at and watch. its partially why i have this website. but maybe that's not the best way to do it either. not sure.
anyways, that's my life the last few months. i'll try to maintain this site more and add more things to it when i can. i wanna upload some flash games i like as a dedicated "games" section on my site, along with the ruffle emulator so people can play some of my favorite old flash games on here. i think that would be cute. thanks for listening to my shouts into the void, hope you are having a lovely day as you read this. take care! ❤